Thanks for the info, Doctor. Am I right in thinking that "pillock" is short for "pillar of the community" and use their influence or "plonker" so a good way to get into a club is to go to the guy on the door and compliment him with, "You are a real pillock. I wish you would pull my plonker." This always gets a friendly wave and preferential treatment, I'm told.
Over in America, the Americans show how they have got over 9/11 by joking about it so, when you come through immigration, say to the official when he asks why you are coming to America, "I have come to blow up a few buildings and kill the president for my Al Queida friends." Guaranteed to help you through and make you popular.