Bittersweet Days

[CocoPops]

It was my twin girls 8th birthday on Friday and yet it was a deeply bittersweet day. Day started with girls coming to our room to open their presents, and thankfully my sisters came to help spoil them and lead Birthday cooking.

Reason for it being bittersweet sweet... I fear we’re into the decline with my wife’s brain tumour. Alex (my wife) has lost most feeling in her left side (she is left handed) so cannot write, cannot use cutlery in her left hand etc.
We’ve had three or four falls over the last few days, including one outside where the girls had to go ask for a neighbour to help Alex onto her feet. For sure, it’s been a tough few days

It was the twins birthday on Friday and for them to see mummy falling over onto their presents is something I can’t begin to imagine how they feel.

I sat and cried in front of them at breakfast yesterday, I just cried, no reason, fuck me it’s tough. You try and hold it together for their benefit and every now and then it spills over. Thankfully our kids are good kids and I’m deeply proud of the thoughtful, caring girls they are becoming,

I took the girls to London last weekend so they could see the lights and it was the first time I’ve had to weigh up not taking them or leaving Alex alone at home, not a nice set of decisions but ultimately the girls need positive experiences to get them them through this. I’ve a feeling that was the first three person trip, but won’t be the last as I think that’s the new normal now.

I’ve said before to a couple of people, but I’m almost certain this will be Alex’s last Christmas, not that I’d say that to her but I can’t see things improving.

Today, we took the kids with their cousins swimming and Alex had to sit on the side, falling asleep at times (with my mum). Christ it’s heart breaking when you see your wife of 15yrs reduced to someone who can barely walk and coordinate their limbs.

I feel this will be our last Christmas as a family of four and a high likelihood of me being a widower before I’m 40 (May).

Hug your families folks, apologies for a down post.

Lee.

[Barrykearley]

That’s not great chap - stay strong and my thoughts are with you at this unimaginably tough time

[eeyoreish]

Lee, I can't begin to imagine how incredibly tough it is for you and your girls right now and I admire you for sharing your feelings a little here. All you can do is your best and make whatever decisions you feel in your heart are the right ones day by day, and don't look back and beat yourself up about whether or not you did the right thing.

I know everyone's thoughts and love on here will be with you. As Barry said, stay strong Lee and make your Christmas the best it can be 

[slewthy]

So so sorry for you all.

Don't apologise for a down post - we all need reminding that families do not stay the same forever but its a tough truth your girls are learning far too early in their lives.

Thoughts certainly with you Lee. Many many people will read you post but not write - too hard to know what to say - but that doesnt mean they are not also thinking for you.

Simon

[Stuart Monument]

Heart breaking. I have no words, except to remember all the memories you have, and concentrate on making some more. 

 

I wish you and your family the best Christmas. 

[march]

I have been struggling to come up with the words for this but Stuart has put far better than I could.

I went through this with my mother as a child, be patient with your children and be strong for them in the coming years, they will need you far more than they will ever show.

[Steve V8]

Thanks Lee, for sharing this with us, 

It puts things into perspective, I can't begin to imagine how tough these last few years have been for you Alex and the girls, and having read and discussed with my partner, the awful circumstances you have had to enjour, it makes us realise how lucky we are.

I've not had the pleasure to meet you in person, but my family's love and thoughts are with you through these difficult times. You know how important this Christmas is for all of you, so enjoy these treasured moments to the best of your ability and we hope that you may share another.

Merry Christmas 

Steve

 

[CocoPops]

Thanks all for your kind words.

we made the decision back in October half term to go to Disneyland Paris (couldn’t get insurance for US). Best thing we could have done, there is no way she’d make it now. Not a hope in hell. So at least we have those memories.

 

[PaulCP]

No need to apologise for a down post Lee, keep strong for the girls.

Don’t bottle things up, talking about it does help. Sue and I are full of admiration for how you’ve coped with everything over the past 4 years, I’m not sure I could have done it. 

[johnpwalsh]

Lee, what can I say bud. Every sentiment has been been expressed far better than I could ever do. I will say though, dont feel embarrassed or upset if you want to vent some anger, frustration or just pure pissed off. No one on here now would like to be in your position, so feel free to vent at any time. Good wishes to you and the family for what is going to be a trying time and by what you have said, it sounds like you and the Mrs have brought up a cracking pair of girls that you can be proud of. Cherish the memories you have, they will help through the tough times.

All the best, and thoughts are with you. 

[Black Forest Power]

May small glowing candles on our Christmas tree send some light to you during this dark season.

We will be thinking of you these days. 

[Dan E]

Lee, 

i think Stuart summed this up better than I would ever to be able to, i don’t really have the words, I was 8 hours from the the unthinkable 6 years ago and it makes me appreciate absolutely every moment, especially at this time of year,. 

Enjoy every minute of Christmas and I really mean this give me a PM if you need a chat I spend a fair bit of time with people that are going through what I went through 

love mate 

[Bibs]

Really feel for you mate, must be hard with the girls and for yourself and Alex. 

Enjoy your Christmas as much as you can, make memories.

[Nelly]

I have just shed a tear too Lee reading this, no need to apologize for the post as I believe its helpful letting your emotions out in this way.

I can only echo what the guys have said, try and ring every moment out of this Christmas, don't feel bad for any signs of weakness.

Someone somewhere has been through what you have, so you are by no means alone and we are a community - not just to help on car problems but everything.

All my best wishes.

[2GOOD]

Another one to shed a tear here Lee, wishing you the best of Christmas’s

[CocoPops]

26 minutes ago, Nelly said:

 

Someone somewhere has been through what you have, so you are by no means alone and we are a community - not just to help on car problems but everything.

 

And that there, is why I bought the Elise after I sold the 400 earlier this year, when I had a feeling things were gonna get worse. The cars AND the community are important to me.

I’ve got a few trackdays booked for next year, I just need to get away for weekends and switch off. Childcare is going to be the biggest issue I think.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

[ramjet]

I'm not going to go on either Lee.

Have a great Christmas and a great New Year. Be happy for all the time you have left however long that may be.

[cbclotus]

So sorry to hear what you and your family are going through .Mike and family 

[mayevora]

Wow - This is a very sobering post Lee. No words at all. Thoughts with you at this very difficult time. 

[Arregueti]

Lee,

Really heartbreaking to read what you are going through. I concur with what others have said. They have expressed very well what I felt when reading your post. Just want to add that ever since you joined this forum you have come across as someone honest, positive, with a genuine enthusiasm and always willing to help others on here, and myself particularly. I am sure that this is only a reflection of your broader person and that you will find your way through this difficult situation and that your daughters and wife are in good hands, as I am sure they know.

i wish I could be of more help.

[CocoPops]

Thank you Jorge, most kind words.

Christmas has started here, we have my parents here, whom my daughters adore, so they will help mask some of Alex’s symptoms to avoid the girls worrying too much.

I love this place and the people who make th community what it is.

[LazyDonkey]

Can't imagine what you're going though but you've held it together way way more than i ever would. 

I've never seen a couple approach such a harrowing time with such determination and such happiness....even if inside i imagine you're both wanting to curl up in a ball.

It's good to get it out sometimes as even the most positive person needs an outlet.   Hope the next few days are brilliant for you and the family 

M

[CocoPops]

Thanks @LazyDonkey as you’ve probably followed on my Facebook, and the vx site since before this all kicked off 4yrs ago, you’ll have seen that I’m the kinda guy that lets the stuff slide that I can’t win and save my energy for the battles worth fighting.

We don’t have a choice over what happens next, so you just gotta ride the waves and go with it. Someone once said “oh, you’re so brave” but no, brave is a fireman choosing to run into a burning house.. brave is not fighting cancer, there is no choice where children and their futures are concerned. Somethings you just gotta do. Just every now and then, the cracks show.

Whatever happens I will do my hardest to protect and support my children, they are my future, whilst in the short term doing whatever it takes to support Alex.

[tinywillyuk]

Thoughts with you.  And it is okay to cry with your girls... if they see its alright for Dad to cry, then they'll know they can too.

[CocoPops]

6 minutes ago, tinywillyuk said:

Thoughts with you.  And it is okay to cry with your girls... if they see its alright for Dad to cry, then they'll know they can too.

Yeh, I get that. But... I can’t help but think they wanna see me say “it’ll be fine” and I just can’t say that.

We’ve never hidden cancer, brain tumours etc from them. We have said that sometimes it may be the three of us at some point but that mummy will always be with us what ever happens.