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LEF Jokes & Gags thread


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This is the LEF funny thread, chuckle away :whistle:

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Possibly save your life. Check out this website.
http://everyman-campaign.org/

 

Distributor for 'Every Male' grooming products. (Discounts for any TLF members hairier than I am!)

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Should UK Adopt The Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,

Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,

Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians, Liverpudlians and Mancunians were

asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "

Dave - 2000 Sport 350
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.'

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.'

'Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

============================================================

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house - "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a

Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told

the government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world

leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite"

===============================================================

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Kylie Minouge, Robbie Williams and Elton John are walking down the street,Kylie tripps and gets her head stuck between a railing,Robbie pulls down her knickers and gives her a good bonking,Robbie turns to Elton and says ok Elton it's your turn now ,Elton starts sobbing,Robbie askes Elton what's up,Elton replies my head won't fit between the railing

Dave Hopwood

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A dog left a smelly mess just inside the door of a pub in Enfield.

The next punter into the pub trod on the offensive material causing him to slide across the pub at speed and ending up on his back with legs in the air against the bar.

Just after a second punter entered the pub. As with the first he slipped on the dog mess sliding across the pub and ending up flat on his back next to the 1st guy.

At this point he 1st chap turned to the second and said

Edited by gghc87

Cliff

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. : Albert Einstein

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ok...eerr... here goes...

Jeremy Beadle has a small willy....

But on the other hand, its quite big!

Erm, there's umpteen more Jeremy Beadle jokes doing the rounds that I could post... is anyone easily offended? :devil:

[edit: Well, I guess nobody's jumped up and down offended at the above joke, so here goes... mod away if you think these are offensive :D]

It has been announced that Jeremy Beadle's cremation will be televised next week. Look out for You've been flamed on Thursday.

For the wake, Mrs Beadle is unsure what to arrange. On the one hand, a large buffet, on the other hand a small finger buffet might be more appropriate.

The Beadle family have respectfully asked that any cards or messages of condolence be written in short hand.

RIP Jeremy Beadle - life dealt him a rubbish hand.

Edited by Dan

Dan

"He who dies with the most toys wins..."

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Erm, there's umpteen more Jeremy Beadle jokes doing the rounds that I could post... is anyone easily offended? :)

Dan then went on to tell lots of bad jokes!

[edit: Well, I guess nobody's jumped up and down offended at the above joke, so here goes... mod away if you think these are offensive :)]

:lol: I wondered if anyone would be offended, then then I thought, hang on, Beadle is a joker, if he could, he'd laugh at them just as much as anyone else!

Rip.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids . "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it! "Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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Retirement Calculator

please download it but you will need excel to run it.

Cliff

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. : Albert Einstein

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One for the computer techy types...

Clicky

*edit* Doh, thanks for moving it, in my haste to post, I forgot about this thread <ahttp://www.thelotusforums.com/forums/uploads/emoticons/default_biggrin.png' alt=':D'>

Edited by bigbird
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