LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Bibs 11,158]

Very good, and very true!

[GordonMasson 128]

THICK AS Sh.............

The worst of it is that all these people have entered the competitions so they must think they are bright......................

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm . . .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about

pensioners: Last Of The ..?

Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six..

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er ...three?

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I ...

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus

[lince 1]

This is something I have confirmed with many Americans of course none of them in this forum.

[mayevora 1,185]

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Just love these two - just coffee spitting quality.

[stephenbirdsall 2]

Miracles do happen. My son needed a transplant, and no member of either of our families was a suitable donor. The doctor said finding a non-family donor was a one-in-a-million shot. We were devastated, but my lovely wife asked Fred [our long time next door neighbor and almost like family] to be tested. Fred is a perfect match! Our son got the transplant and is doing very well. Dr. Smith says he has no explanation, and that I should just thank providence. I guess the moral is never give up

[esprithk 1]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed............. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

We got a good laugh out of this!!

*******

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said,

Edited February 20, 2008 by Tentenths
Topics merged

[GordonMasson 128]

Not a joke but check you bill the next time you go for a meal!!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/7253002.stm

Edited February 20, 2008 by GordonMasson

[Kimbers 1,781]

Cat Smilies

LEF's last Event.........

[bigsi 0]

Sean Connery

was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,

and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser,

the bitch stole ma wallet !"

Edited February 23, 2008 by bigsi

[mayevora 1,185]

Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

> Nymphomaniac Convention

>

> A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and

> taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman

> boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat

> and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

>

> 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

>

> She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the

> annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

>

> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

> sitting next to him, 20 and she was going to a meeting for

> nymphomaniacs!

>

> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your

> business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my

> experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

>

> 'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

>

> 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men

> are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian

> who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that

> French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek

> descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all

> categories are the Irish.'

>

> Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she

> said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even

>

> know your name!'

>

> 'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me

> Paddy.'

>

>

>

>

>

[gghc87 70]

WARNING OF SCAM AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers to the local supermarket.

Over the last couple of weeks I have become the victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.....

Two seriously good looking early twenty-something year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and windowlene with their tits almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to admire them. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start kissing each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs various exciting acts with you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on February the 1st, 3rd and 6th, twice on the 8th and 9th, three times on the 10th, 17th, twice just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy more wallets.

[Kimbers 1,781]

Not a joke, more Ricky at his absolute funniest. It's about 10 mins long but worth every second of watching it. (Apologies to all people of faith).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_EXqdJ4L7I

Gay animals:

[gghc87 70]

To boggle your brain...

J

Okay all you Geniuses, see if you can figure this out.......

CLICK ON THIS

clicky

[Laura 20]

I've worked it out... am I a spoil sport?

[Kimbers 1,781]

Yes...................

[davegtst 0]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's

house.

She knocked on the door then immediately

walked in. She was shocked to see her

daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally

naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of

perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from

work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law

explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she

explained.

'Every time he sees me in this

dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages

me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she

undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay

on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in

and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,

sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Autocross7 0]

A rather busy man spends a Friday night trying to organize his list of things that must be done on Saturday. First and largest of the tasks at hand is painting... a job he really hates so he sets it out to be done first thing in the morning. So off to bed he goes. Saturday morning comes and he is having breakfast - dreading the task of painting when the door bell chimes..

He steps to the door and opens it to find a stunning young blond girl. She says, "Good sir, I am so sorry to bother you, but I have not been able to find work that will fit into my study schedule during the week. So, I am going door to door to try and find someone that has any work around the home they would be willing to pay me to for them, so that they can relax on such a fine day".

The man thinks on it for a bit and says, "Yes, in fact there is. I have to paint the poorch beside the house today and I'll pay you $500.00 to paint it for me". Delighted she agrees. The man states that there is plenty of green paint in several buckets in the shed. He then states, "when you are done painting the poorch beside the house, just ring the bell and I'll pay you"...

He closes the door and relaxes, reading the paper, and marveling at his luck. A short while later the bell rings again. "She cannot be done yet", he thinks as it has been less than an hour... but he opens the door to find the stunning young blond with a bit of green paint on here face and hands...

"Are you done so soon?", he asks...

"Yes.", she replies, "but you know that Porsche beside your house is a Lotus."...

Cameron

[gghc87 70]

I've worked it out... am I a spoil sport?

that must be 2 baileys i owe you now, at this rate it will be a bottle soon

mind you, what took you so long

[JPL76 0]

News Flash!

Welsh Mining Industry Set For Recovery!

Copper Found In Snowdonia!

Edited March 14, 2008 by Kimbers - Mod
Threads merged

[lisalotus 0]

I was in the green grocers the other day, and the lady behind the counter was giving advise to a customer who couldn,t make her mind whether to keep her horse or dump her fella, who presumambly had been moaning about said horse. Green grocers advise was "just remember this, Shit only comes out of one end of a horse". Well it made me laugh . This really did happen, green grocer lady usually very polite and serious. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[davegtst 0]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken ba**ard, you've s**t the bed.

[david hopwood 0]

Cant beliveit!some idiot smashed into my car with one of those new Skodas theres bloody marzipan and sponge everywhere!

[davegtst 0]

Oh dear. Get your coat

[rens914 0]

a plummer gets to work in a house while the owners are at work

they have written a note

there's a nice dog in the house. he's sweet. and a parrot. don't talk to the parrot !

he go's in

the dog is nice but the parrot is calling him names all the time.

after a while he say's. Oh shut up

the parrot say's

get him brutus

a man and a woman get an argument in the car

it gets out of hand and she cuts off his dick and throws it out of the car

the car behind (driven by a father and his 12 year old daughter) gets the dick on the windscreen

she askes ! dad what's that ?

father try's to keep it nice while putting on the wipers. It's a fat fly

after a silence of 15 minutes the daughter mentions

that fly had a large dick !

the difference between beiing bold and having balls

bold is when you come home to late and find your wife standing there with a broom and you state: are you still cleaning or are you going to fly away

balls is when you come home to late smelling like sex and parfume with lipgloss on your shirt and you state: your next honey

Edited March 18, 2008 by rens914

[Kimbers 1,781]

Men and Women:

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in