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Culled from Pprune....!!

The horror of blimps

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating.

I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living room and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith-like over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of its noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke.

That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.


Scientists investigate that which already is; Engineers create that which has never been." - Albert Einstein

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Upgrade today to remove Google ads and support TLF.

What is the similarity between a train set and womens breasts?

Give up?

Designed for children and played with by men!

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Kinda brings new meaning to Horny, sorry Hornby double O

Roger :sofa:


Life is like a sewer, what you get out of it, depends on what you put into it. (Tom Leahrer)

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Amazeing calculator for working out your favourate ever Film.

Mine was number 4. Star Wars..... unless I added up wrong!!

It's so amazing how this works.

Try it.

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favourite movie - give it a go it really works...

Pick a number from 1 - 9

multiply it by 3

add 3

then multiply by 3 again

then add those two digits together.

Your film is the one which has the same number. Scroll down.......... this is never wrong :

1. Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Schindler's List

9. Gay Leather Rent Boys 3

10.Saving Private Ryan

Told you - it really works !


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk - that will teach us to keep mouth shut!

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You're right, it is amazing. I haven't seen my favourite. :)


Life is like a sewer, what you get out of it, depends on what you put into it. (Tom Leahrer)

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Sheesh...am I glad it wasn't no. 9!!!!


Scientists investigate that which already is; Engineers create that which has never been." - Albert Einstein

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Which is better Darth Vader doing "Thriller"

Or Darth Vader doing "Hammer Time"???

You decide.

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OH....it's real is it? I thought it was merely an idea in the mind of the original compiler of the post...!!


Scientists investigate that which already is; Engineers create that which has never been." - Albert Einstein

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All fairly valid advice I would have thought...

image001.jpg


All we know is that when they stop making this, we will be properly, properly sad.Jeremy Clarkson on the Esprit.

Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has them, some just stink more than others.

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Today's lesson

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

face when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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Not entire unsafe for work, unless you have really stict guidelines....

May not be considered safe for younger audiences....

Other disclaimers????

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4255769195_378ed1229c_o.gif

I hate waking up in the morning and finding f***ing snow on my car.

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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbourne

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

----------------------------

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with

their 8-year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the

street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, Errr


All we know is that when they stop making this, we will be properly, properly sad.Jeremy Clarkson on the Esprit.

Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has them, some just stink more than others.

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Went out with the lads last night and had 13 pints of yoghurt. I was absolutely Mullered.


British Ambassador to Florida, New York, Denmark and Newfoundland.  And Sweden.

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You can't get the wood, you know!

Those old Goon Show lines will never die....


Scientists investigate that which already is; Engineers create that which has never been." - Albert Einstein

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First prize to John!


British Ambassador to Florida, New York, Denmark and Newfoundland.  And Sweden.

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Neddy..."Quick!! Hide in this wardrobe and pretend to be a suit!!"

Eccles..."Can I be a morning suit....then I can have the afternoon off!!"

Millegan..a unique talent.


Scientists investigate that which already is; Engineers create that which has never been." - Albert Einstein

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"What's the weather like outside?"

"I don't know, I can't see for all this snow!"


Life is like a sewer, what you get out of it, depends on what you put into it. (Tom Leahrer)

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That ranks as a video nasty Top 10! I'm hard (it's a SLEG thing), and that had me gagging. ;)


British Ambassador to Florida, New York, Denmark and Newfoundland.  And Sweden.

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