Funnies

[Loose Cannon]

The winter blues are biting, anyone fancy sharing a few jokes/pics to lighten the season?? Here's a couple to kickoff...

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure................On medication.

Feminist................................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional..........................Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

[Loose Cannon]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,

"How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers,

" Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

What's on your mind Mark?!

Feeling a bit put upon by women today?!?

Missus have a 'headache' last night?!

[Loose Cannon]

No, they were all sent to me by a woman actually! In the same veign;

A list of ways to figure out if the "date movie" you're watching was really made exclusively for the enjoyment of women and women only:

1. The female lead is strong and feisty, with good looks and a fantastic career, but durn it, she just doesn't know how to LIVE...

2.. The male lead has good looks and has an easy-going attitude to life, but he lacks ambition...if only he could find a strong, feisty female lead-type (with a fantastic career) to point him in the right direction...

3. The female lead has an "experienced," not-as-pretty best friend who offers up worldly advice on stupid men.

4. The male lead has a best friend who's a jackass, first and foremost. No sane woman should ever, EVER want this guy, so the sensitive guy looks more and more like a winner.

5. Sex is joked about constantly but rarely occurs, and only off-camera. Sucking face, on the other hand, is treated with the same awe and solemnity as a re-enactment of the parting of the Red Sea.

6. Any attractive female who shows off her body must also be dumber than a brick and more promiscuous than a Kennedy in heat. God, what a bitch.

7. Children and families are spoken of at some point with much fondness and longing, at which point one character will turn and say "I bet you'd be great with kids," and the other character will nod in agreement, and NOT immediately run far, far, away in the other direction.

8. There is a scene in a women's bathroom with absolutely no jokes in it. Bathrooms are sacrosanct places.

9. There are many topless scenes, all by the male lead. The female lead sleeps in a T-shirt and plays all bedroom scenes with the covers pulled up to her chin. If she were to even strip down to a semi-revealing bra, she would become unworthy and we would have to destroy her.

10. Gay men will be ubiquitous, helpful, and absolutely HYSTERICAL. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule--gay men only exist to serve/entertain straight young women.

If you're still uncertain, check the poster to see how the male lead compares proportionally to the female. If her image appears to be literally ten times bigger than his, leave your testicles by the door.

[s4simon]

On of my Fav's.

--------

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[lince]

A 710 cap

The other day I was in Halfords. A lady comes in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

"What does it do?

She said she didn't know, but its always been there.

The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.

So she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre she writes 710

here is what se drew

http://www.stevenwillingale.com/fun/Cap.jpg

[sbarc]

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married an Alabama girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love those Alabama girls!

[JRTurbo909]

Heres a few that an engineering friend sent to me...

[Jonathan]

Very funny - albeit a bit sexist. I know some super switched on ladies and plenty of dumb (me included) males, so dumb infact I was in Sainsuburys the other day when I saw a friend of mine's name on a loaf of bread....on closer inspection it actually said "thick cut".

I collect funnies, here's some of the best (totally PC) ones....enjoy :

Nice GPS there.

[Jussi]

Great, now I can't eat ice-cream anymore

[f1karting]

Talkingbird

[lisalotus]

A friend from south africa sent me these the other day, well they made me laugh

Nursery Rhymes:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, Said "F*** him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's @ss and turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky.

Jack & Jill went up the hill so Jack could see Jill's fan*y Jack had a shock & a mouth full of co*k Cos Jill's a fu*king tranny.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little skirt , with splits right up the sides , and every time that Mary walked , the boys could see her Thighs . Mary had another skirt , twas split right up the front , ....but she didn't wear that one very often .

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you knobjockey.

[USAndretti42]

If we're into rhymes here's one from the dark ages.

Mary had a little lamb.

It's fleece was as black as soot.

And into Mary's pot of jam

His sooty foot he put.

[JRTurbo909]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, Threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what You want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the Clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting For fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire Fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last Year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for Them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist Colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough Features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him And said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into A beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into His pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a Beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a Girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

....Sorry if it offended any of you art majors or blind firefighters, just classic engineer jokes...

Shah

[Tony K]

I believe those nursery rhymes are the late 1980s routine of Andrew "Dice" Clay.

Here's two more:

Mary had a little lamb . . . . . . that ought to teach her to stay out of the barn!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

She had so many children . . . her uterus fell out!

[lisalotus]

Got sent these this morning, thought I,d share them with you, I love the last one, apparently the call operater was actually sacked for that last comment

Subject: Actual Call Centre Conversations

Date: Wed, 8 Feb 2006 11:22:45 +0200

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to Enquiries, can you help?

[oneshot]

Not sure that the last one is a true story

Working in IT you hear a number of these. That one was doing the round years ago in various guises.

A real true one though:

On an IT training course the tutor told the people to clean their floppy disks so that they could store the stuff they had been working on.

At this point one participant got up and left.

A few minutes later they returned with their floppy disk dripping wet.

They had apparently been to the toilet and washed it to clean it

I know this was true because I know someone who was on the course!

[Bibs]

BC - Before Computers....

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!